pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize