she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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