The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
