What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
