I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
