wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
