Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize