he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
How naked do you want me to be?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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