look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
