It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
