ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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