Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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