He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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