FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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