My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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