I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
