Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
