Your face is a jimmy john
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
