Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
