I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
