my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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