I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
