what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
