You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
