Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
