Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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