I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize