My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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