Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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