Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We're not piercing ourselves today.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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