I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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