OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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