I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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