I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
