my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
