grandma shit on top of the toilet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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