Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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