I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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