I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize