she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
