I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize