I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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