I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
