so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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