I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
