did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
