Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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