i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
me + whiskey = a bad person
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize