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Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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