forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
