I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
