Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize