You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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