dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
