did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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