I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
