proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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