I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
