I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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