So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just cropdusted the office
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
