If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
