I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
