Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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